Feigning indifferences

             “Bloody hell, I’m tad too knackered!” Scott had just ended his tirade about his success in life, juxtaposed with the sweltering weather- it was too much to handle. His booming George Peppard voice got much of attention from the frolicking bystanders, No wonder the people in Hyde Park scurried away like those birds outside big tourist-y spots. He was one of those quick-witted people who had gotten used to the usual quotidian struggles and yet, he’s saying that that turned out to be some other Gordian knot that he couldn’t put a finger to what it was, or is- for that matter.

We walked around with our fags, drawing deep and mulling over things as the cloud of smoke has lingered in our system. The sky seemed mocking over us in a suffused blue gray, indicating a shower happening minutes ahead. Women clad in bundled scarves and Men with those cheeky fit trousers had rushed over the shabby estaminet for some caffeine relief. My digressions on his ‘experiences’ turned out to be dragging. Replies to him consisted of nods and disgruntled facial contortions. Undoing his crisp black button down, he looked at me with an appraising eye, “Oh do excuse my apathy Cornelia, but you look lovely with that frock.” Ending the remark with a slight grin and oh, mind you I saw a twinkle in his eye- d’oh, for chrissakes I know it is embarrassing. This is not my scrawny teeny bopper- alter ego coming back to haunt me.

Taking the seat next to Scott, I ruffled his mop shagged crown, and scratched his scruff. “Thanks love, you’re too kind to notice.” - going back to those ramblings I had in mind, I couldn’t really disagree with him; somehow, the dress did seem fit enough for me to hide some and win some. Scott’s really not the buttering up people, women kind of guy. This, coming from him- is really something worth analyzing. My thoughts seemed to detach from the current conversation, Nina Simone’s voice, wafting over with the aroma of hot espressos made me feel a bit vertiginous or let’s just say woozy after getting myself a paper sleeve for my steaming Espresso.

Let me tell you about us or, how we came to be what we are, – Scott and I have been friends for a couple of years now, around 8 years actually. Met on sixth form, and started there. Both on our mid-twenties, from what he says- I seem to resemble the modern Veronica Lake- long lashes, doe eyes and a bit too statuesque. – Another one of his random 2 cents. But that’s a bit too … something. My self description would be someone who’s a typical Hispanic breed Brit, a size 4- if I get to ignore the exquisite Valhrona chocolate Truffles, 5 on bad days.   Hmm. What else, long burgundy locks and green eyes. – Nothing much going really. This is my way of blowing my own horn.

Slick hair, turquoise irises, long and lean, he was a dashing debonair; a dapper young man, another rendition from some mold of Cary Grant. The one that gets away by with talking you out to succumbing to what they want you to do, he’s just IT. With that being said, I am one of those who gave in. okay. Not funny.

We’ve both been pirated from different IT solution companies by our own batchmate, who just happens to have a strike of fairy dust waved upon him. A young media tycoon with a new firm; now, this is our second year working together. 

Fast forward to the present situation, we were having Chai latte’s over some cozy café down the firm’s building, this was when Scott asked me unconsciously…

 “Why do we people have to be rational?” I shrugged it off and added a curt reply, “somehow, nobody really imposes straight out rationality from you… I don’t know, it’s just that maybe we all need it, more logic in our system perhaps… but you must acknowledge the fact that we’re the citizens of two worlds… and that human nature is ambiguous, so technically, we cannot comply with rationality by itself. Well, that is… If we base things like.. Being too consistent with logic and just snippets of emotions… That’d be like living in some utopia right?”

“Yeah, I do guess you’re right, that’s a good point too.”

“How about the irrationality of love? , the search for your better half?... ” 

“Hmm… I guess, you’re in danger of being only half a person… when the two halves come together?... love’s a half hearted affair.”

 “Oh, and yeah… how’re we supposed to find that person who understand us completely?... someone were in total agreement with? Someone who truly does get our point?”

“Babe, that’s totally preposterous… the only person who’ll have those characteristics is just you, yourself. We have to get that mentality of someone somewhere there’s that person. Maybe somehow, we might be better off not having too many custom fit measurements... ”

“Another point made! Bugger. All this time we thought of things like that… why not have it that the more pronounced differences, … the more fruitful the relationship?...”

“Yes, I couldn’t agree more.”

We continued the random talk about love and life walking again at Hyde Park… now the sky has smiled on us. Somehow, this talk has opened a new portal into our own lives, all these years… 8 years.., we have been always together…, ignoring how we had felt for one another. Thinking of how bogus the idea was, or how it just isn’t gonna work or what not; now, our eyes had met the same thought.

“Might as well, I’d like to say that love is a transcending self-interested logic. Its like those things that you’re really passionate in, but it keeps on slipping onto your hands.. or something.. I don’t know... Maybe a kid who stretches your patience to the very end?”

“Yeah.. I guess so... ha-ha”

“Let’s all chuck the idea of all’s well that ends well… Love wouldn’t be such a thing if it were just a vicious cycle of everything positive and logical- but it is irrational, it’s both the source of good and evil, that makes the balance the natural law that we live in.”

“ I say, lets plan for the worst, hope for the best… and maybe… just maybe … wind up somewhere in between?” 

lustrous, raw and pricked.

      seared with pepper and pain.

   gripes with time and pockets.

   nerves throb to the beat of a polemic conversation

     fidgets on fingers

     heavily curled in toes

inner cheeks bled

blood never tasted this delectable.

debauched my sanity meliflous lines

debauched my sanity with odiferous notes.

my frigid heart thaws on your touch.

my frigid self thaws on your touch

sold in haste and out of desolation.

i beg , i worry.

lest i not grow stale of waiting for you .

wishes on eyelashes,

fading away like the gleam of the sunset.

lovely man, where art thou?

time has took its toll on this role play.

wont you save us somehow?

©theblacknailedpoet18/ 2009  

hill dweller.

 pull me closer.
  then walk away.
 kill the tension.
  make me inconspicuous.

   some photo to remind me of
  reds.
    A stifling cloud of smoke.
 my frustrations.
    sends a fit of tempestuous quavers to my head.
 your fulgurating stares.
    stomach somersaults and feather flutters.
 cacophonic chortles.
   a kerfuffle through my system.

im on a jaundiced outlook
  save me from the whole lot
 tiny cubicles of light in a an array of concrete
 bottled sunshine
  dreary streets and messy sheets.

 two fingers whisk up to what was a lachrymal secretion
  scoot over, let me buss on what youve missed.
 frozen on frames in the inevitable spot of hell.
 flicker, tick, tock.
  a glimmer of empathy on those uneven forgiving irises.
 crack.freeze and halt.
  tinkle.tinkle.
 beguiled in the hands of a stranger

---

eluded by the notions of the lot
  perturbed over in some unforseen macabre exposure
 i abjured their thoughts.
  richochetting off my ears
 his maunder and prattles
  something inglorious stymied our connection
 blame my fickle wandering personality.
  these idiosyncrasies had cast a grey area.
 i detest cerebrating anything adjacent to you
  drifting over my head,
 a bleeding i wanted to cauterize.

----

Hurl my desire

Starve that concupiscence

Some challenge to see me through

Dilated pupils

Hoarse cries

Take another shot

That calefacient sensation

Hopelessly inebriated

©theblacknailedpoet18/ 2009

in my life are shackles of grief

i live my spirit in the deep wells of frustration

mottled skin broken bones

for this, i have built my fortress of sorrow

euphoria no more

in the demise of love

men chose not to gamble thier lives away

renew my ego

pull up the strings that have drew me to regret

where was the rainbow after the rain

was it something i let slip

does the whole world know

am i always gulled?

trembling how can i let my ire out

abruptly these emotions are controlling me

where am i going to find the light

waiting for the rays to beat me up

for being sulky

the light will be coming.

sitting around...

unstrained by the riffs of bread

now i heard it once more...

it was a touch without a feel

the delusion of succeeding

im in the deepest path to reality

and it hurts to see

a love that's torn

swirls of compassion

ripples of pity

waves of sadness

all welling up to my self

pounding heart..

..

you destroyed my world

smashed it to pieces

ill move on

and

ill never come back

let me introduce you to the style icon's of this month @ chictopia :

www.chictopia.com/Shelley
shelley, wicked stems love :D 

i really, really hate it it when somebody dangles something over me.
especially stuff like.

 " im going there, but i know that i prefer your company over them" 
"well then, do as you wish." 
"but .. i dont really join them, but somehow------ "
 

or.

" you know, dont worry. we'll be able to visit there sometime .... (gives a date) "

then after a day or two. that becomes baloney.

blahblahblah.
 then there goes the stream of excuses or hesitations- more so of those stream of thinking of what if's.
why cant we all just say-  yes or no? 

i believe it will make life easier.
dangling something takes the whole situation to another level. 
and for people like me-  this is the absolute pet peeve.

i dont know, im just that type of person who doesnt let go of things like these immediately.
unlike some people who just say, "oh well." 
im a terrible overanalytic person, i cerebrate things over and over and over. 
my mind doesnt drift off to sleep. and lucky, if it ever it does.


i know, we all have our reasons.
but couldnt we just NOT fucking compromise?


something i wrote. earlier. speaks of my amazing, sleepless brain. 


lucid dementia 

    poke me clock, poke me.
   ridicule over my sudating limbs. 
   tried to heave this atrocious throb by the soles of my feet
    bite me.
   i feel the need to sieve this worry
    fell onto some unhinged melodic strain
   the need of a perspicous concern.
    the stifling rush of thoughts
   the spasmodic movements
    brumous cerebrations
     my head hovers.
      
   copyright2008-theblacknailedpoet18